Journal Entry 02

Today I wanted to share a little bit of my mental health journey. I want to give a trigger warning for talking about suicide, so if that’s something that is a trigger for you perhaps this is something you should skip reading. Thank you.

My whole life, I always looked at suicide as an inevitability. If things got hard or I was abandoned, at least the option was always there. Whether to escape the pain or to cause other people pain, it was pretty much always on my mind, but 2025 was the first year where I started to accept that I was going to do it. The way I looked at it, the world wasn’t going to get better and neither was my life or my mind. The inside of my mind was a prison where I was tortured daily. Because of the chaos in my mind, I also tortured the people around me until they left me or I pulled away from them. The only thing that made me feel better was masking the pain with drugs and alcohol. So, on January 9th, when I was at my breaking point, I did an intake online and got a call and told them I needed to go to an inpatient facility ASAP. I knew that if I didn’t I was going to end up committing suicide. The next day, I pulled up to the inpatient facility and had to sign about a million forms that confirmed that I was voluntarily admitting myself to the program. This being my first experience in treatment I had no idea what to expect. Well, fast forward 28 days and I can say with my full chest that it was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I’m 43 days sober as of 02/21/26 and I’m continuing to work on myself and my mental health. Taking control of my mental health through a treatment program absolutely changed my life and gave me hope for the first time. Now, I’m happy to be back and I’m happy to be alive, even on the days when it still hurts to be a human. I had to accept that there was always going to be pain, but the choice to suffer was mine.

I didn’t really get into the full experience of what it was like in treatment here, so if you have any specific questions about that feel free to comment them below or email me. Perhaps I will go into depth another time. Thank you for reading.