Reinventing Myself

adventure

 

Master of Reinvention?

Probably not.

I've always fancied myself a sort of "master of reinvention"...mostly because I've had to do it so many times. 

However, now that I think about it constantly reinventing yourself might be a sign that you're not good at reinvention at all.

Perhaps the problem lies in how I was previously looking at this concept...

 

I Cannot Leave Here, I Cannot Stay

I'm ready for the next experience.

My sister has these words tattooed on the tops of her feet. It's apropos placement because our feet take us on our journey through life, but in the phrase lies a contradiction that keeps your feet in one place. And I can think of no better way to describe my situation right now. If I can't leave and I can't stay...where am I? I'm stuck. I feel so stuck. Whether it's because of debt, money, mindset...it's really all of the above. But more than money I think it's how I've chosen to think. I think we all limit ourselves. We come up with a million reasons why we can't do things when really if we really wanted to do something we would...I am guilty of this. 

I want to break the chain. It's so hard isn't it? Breaking out of these habitual thought processes that keep us in one place and limit our thinking requires hard work. It's much easier to clock-in to a 9 - 5, pick up our paychecks, take our 12 holidays per year, and satiate our unhappiness with television shows and possessions. 

I get so stuck in that mode of thinking. I get a momentary happiness from purchasing the things I've "wanted" for so long...no I don't need all of the things that I buy...most of us don't. We work jobs we don't want to buy things we don't need...and it's an endless cycle. 

That's a quote from Fight Club isn't it? Of course, I always find myself quoting that film/book (haha). 

Society wants us to limit ourselves. I always used to get so frustrated in conversations when people asked me what I did...for starters I was still finding out what I "do" (and I still kinda am), but if I said I was a photographer they would want to know what of. If I said I did a little bit of everything it confused people and made me look foolish. I've just never wanted to sum up what I did into one thing. Maybe that's easy when you're a lawyer or a doctor or nurse. Whenever I limited myself to just one aspect of my interests and talents it made me feel disingenuous. I spent much of my 20s not knowing how to describe who I was to people. 

If you're not this or you're not that, what are you?

So, I tried fitting into the confines that society wants me to be in...and that only made me feel worse.

To me, it's always felt akin to brainwashing and I've been searching for a way to get out of the system while also being afraid to leave it...because it's comfortable in the system isn't it?

 

life happens outside your comfort zone

I cannot leave here, I cannot stay.

Well...I  have to leave here and I can't stay. Ever since I moved back home into my parents house (for the second time in my 20s) I've been experiencing this feeling all over again - the feeling of not knowing where I belong. I have ideas, goals, and things I'd like to achieve, but a lot of them are far outside of my comfort zone. 

I've tried moving away with a significant other. I found that that isn't what I truly wanted. Now that I'm finally settling into what I believe is going to be who I am and what I want in life (at least for now) I know that I need to better my future for myself. 

From high school to the first half of my 20s I thought I was supposed to find a husband who would take care of me. Yeah, that's what I was taught and believed. I truly thought that in order to have everything I wanted I needed that first. How sad. I know that that can bring a lot of people happiness and if that's your joy then I am happy for you, but that's not my joy. 

Underneath everything I was taught and conditioned to believe is a rebel. I value my freedom and my independence sometimes more than I even realize. 

I broke up with my first boyfriend at the age of 14 stating "commitment issues" and I cheered "I'm free!" when he agreed to the breakup. Sometimes I think I knew myself better then than I do now. 

After that getting my drivers license and my first car was my next act of freedom and independence. It felt amazing. I could go where I wanted to go. I didn't need to rely on anyone and I could feel freedom behind the wheel. In fact, it was such a huge milestone for me that it's what I wrote my college essay about.

It's so surprising to me then that I found myself in my 20s trying to limit my freedom as much as possible, but a little bit of dormant feelings from emotional abuse, daddy issues, and unhealthy relationships can do that to a person. 

I may have lost myself for a while, but I'm ready to reclaim that freedom once again.

So, now that I know what I want to do comes the hard part: Doing it. 

It's very outside of my comfort zone, but I wouldn't have it any other way. 

 

Never change for anyone else's benefit but your own.

my mistake: I thought I had to change who i am to be loved and accepted.

Reinventing yourself isn't about changing yourself...it should be about becoming a better version of who you've always been.

Look at it this way...it's like a snake shedding it's skin...or wait, maybe a better metaphor is a phoenix rising from the ashes, but either way...

As you grow you live in a moment for a time, you have new experiences, and when it comes time to shed that part of you and move on you do and you find that you are shiny and new underneath, ready for the next experience.

That's where I find myself now and I wish strength to all of you who are also along on this journey with me. 

We are not alone. We all experience this. It's part of being human.

Wherever it is that you want to go, don't worry you'll get there. 

You just have to take the first step.

The hardest thing I ever physically did was climb a mountain, but when I got to the peak I was so grateful that I did - the view from the top was incredible.

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